The Fear of Judgement Kills
When it comes to this epidemic we all encounter in our personal and social lives (whether consciously or unconsciously), we all need to stop for a moment to consider what this fear of judgement actually entails in the grand scheme of our lives.
We constantly hear about it: “I don’t want to go through the pain of being judged again” or “I hate it when she says this to me, it makes me feel like shit”.
But the salient point to consider when we think about this phenomenon is why do we actually care?
I mean, it is a real question that perhaps you’ve asked yourself or been asked before, but maybe you’ve discounted the real value of due to the hyperbolic use of this expression as a common retort.
It’s a legitimate question that demands an honest answer.
“Okay, I know I care about being judged and I know it is preventing me from doing things I genuinely want to do, but I just can’t seem to stomach it”.
So what is it about this phenomenon that supposedly “makes” us into failures and doubt-mongers.
The truth is, NOTHING can MAKE you do or become ANYTHING.
The number one issue I have found when it comes to this is that we make the assumption that the opinions of other people actually matter to those that express them. Whether we use our childhood, our trauma or anything else to justify our paralysis, the fact of the matter is that we conform to this reality that the opinions of others actually define who we are.
This debilitation that stems from the overvaluation of others’ opinions and the undervaluation of our own self-worth undercuts the very foundation of what being a human being is.
. . . .(You define your self-worth by what you claim allegiance to) . . . .
It points directly to the fact that our current culture places an hyper-emphasis on perfection, and invests in the extreme negligence of the value of creative-expression, experimentation and “progressive fuck-ups”.
We think that great success as an appearance miraculously appears in a great windfall of fate, when in reality the most successful people in the world often go through the most difficult trials and challenges to get there.
We think that talent is born and innate, and no amount of passion, hard-work and execution on ideas will result in any significant comparison.
However, after having said all this, I think the solution is a very simple one at that.
No matter where you think the origin of your suffering comes from, it comes down to a simple question that you MUST ask yourself if you want to break free from comparison, self-deprecation and yes, your own judgement of others. (what we fear from others is often what we believe about and do to ourselves).
And that is . . .
“At the end of my life, am I really going to care what others said about me, or am I going to care more about what I did or didn’t do to manifest my dreams?”
The reality is that it comes down to whether or not you want to know WHY you even care in the first place or HOW you’re going to break out of it.
All change and transformation stems from the seed of desire.
And the more time you spend psychoanalyzing the cause of your suffering, the more you fetishize your attachment to it, instead of building your confidence in an alternate reality.
So the more energy I spend talking and thinking about this topic, the more I hear it being discussed in the public space of business, personal development and social media in particular, the more I realize it has become a cesspool of self-deprecation that stems from our inability to accept the hard truth:
“I have become co-dependent on the opinions/judgements of others for my own self-worth and so my fear is part of the problem”
The sooner you are willing to admit this hard truth, the easier it will be to stop caring when you suddenly realize that all judgement about others stems from a judgement about yourself.
So the next time you hear someone judge somebody else, leave a negative comment or say something mean, just remember: that person is hurting inside and they too are affirming that above statement to themselves, even though they may not be fully aware of it.
And that’s just it.
If you want to change this negative attachment to the opinions of others, first realize it is because you are attached to telling yourself negative things. And you have the power to decide: “does this really benefit me in any way?”
The reason you have any quotient of belief that says “maybe they’re right, maybe I do suck” is because part of your energy is invested in this negative programming.
The answer is a simple one.
If you want to stop caring, stop caring.
There is no one holding a gun to your head telling you to care what they say to you, and realize that they will continue to say these things because the world is not a perfect place and not everyone is where you are.
Compassion.
Compassion is what we need to quell this wave of negativity and the best way to start is to water-seal your mind and heart from your own false programming by holding yourself accountable and forgiving others for their lack of accountability.
Without this level of understanding and self-awareness, the cycle of doubt and deprecation will continue to perpetuate itself as a process of self-misunderstanding and therefore, a misunderstanding of others.
I hope this will bring some clarity to you and others you know the next time you experience this fear pop-up.
Just remember, their projection of their own poor self-worth doesn’t have to affect you.
You decide what you worth is, not the opinions of others that are half-asleep.
Sincerely,
B. Dickinson
